Peering over the edge – July 21

Jul 21
Tim Brady

Tim Brady

I just heard a news story about a Lazy Man’s Lawnmower. This lawnmower’s movement is managed by a simple video game controller with, you guessed it, Bluetooth technology. Now all sloth-like belly scratchers like myself can sit on the porch, guzzle a frothy beverage, all the while ruining their lawns and sending small, furry creatures running for their lives. Here is the story:

Now, the application of technology to mitigate the drudgery of common tasks is nothing new. Where we would be without the laser guided scissor, the electronic food freshness sniffer, the Hello Kitty manicure set, and the Ultrasonic Ear Wax Remover Mark III? I ask you, where would we be? Back in the stone age, that’s where. And now, taking its rightful place in this pantheon of modern ingenuity we can add the Lazy Man’s Lawnmower. I say, good show.

The problem is, at least from where I sloth, is we haven’t gone nearly far enough. In fact, we need more Bluetooth products like this. I say this not only as someone whose daily bread and gambling addiction rely on the continued and expanded application of this marvelous technology, but someone who would relish the chance to become more slovenly, useless, and technology dependant than I already am.

Really, the opportunities are there. The mind fairly swells with ideas. In fact, as we speak, I am sure there are entrepreneurs out there developing the following products. The world awaits for…

The Automobile Pastry Searing Liquid Immerser. This Bluetooth controlled device picks up your doughnut, dunks it into the steaming liquid of choice, removes it, allows the excess to drip back into your drink, then shoves the entire dripping mess into your waiting maw. With slight modifications the PSLI can be used for cookies, bagels, scones, croissants, Twinkees, and turkey legs. Not only does this marvel of modern technology save your fingers from second and third degree burns, it frees your mind to concentrate on programming the…

Motor Moron Screecher. This handy device allows you to direct any number of audible epithets at any idiot driver (which we all know is everyone), who has the temerity to drive on your road. And it is all hands free. You merely speak a phrase; the MMS converts your voice into a focused, laser-like blast that you aim at the offending offal driver. The sound easily penetrates any type vehicle up to a range of 500 yards. The offending party will not know what hit them as a torrent of scathing syllables echoes around the interior of their auto. As an added feature, you can program the Screecher to mimic any voice: male, female, young, old, bass, soprano, etc. Then when the driving scofflaw tries to locate the offending screamer, you can point to the young kid driving the ’81 Gremlin as the culprit. Fun will follow.

This last idea, my friends, is the ultimate, the idea to end all ideas, the holy grail of lazy people everywhere. I give you the Bluetooth controlled Heated Vibrating Mobile Recliner Glutton 3000. Imagine if you would, a plush recliner that automatically adjusts to your every voice command: recline, foot rest up, back massage, seat temperature 72, etc. Nothing so special, you say. I would agree with that if the HVMRG 3000 stopped there, but it doesn’t. There is much more. With the touch a button (Unfortunately, there is some physical effort involved in this step. We are working diligently to rectify this) from the Bluetooth remote control center, strategically placed, pneumatic induced compartments open to offer all manner of food and drink, available for immediate consumption (as an option, a robotic arm will place the food in the owner’s mouth, proscribing any physical movement. As we speak engineers are working on a device that will actually chew the food for you, but they are not quite there yet.). But the piece-de-resistance (That’s either French or Hungarian) is the mobile capabilities of the HVMRG 3000. Controlled by a joy stick, the chair (So quaint to call it a chair, it is more of an Experience) levitates on a cushion of air, silently moving from the refrigerator to the game room, back to the refrigerator, to the TV room, back to the refrigerator… You get the idea. Other options include a built-in communications center with direct lines to all local carryout places, a “Cone of Silence” that neutralizes all outside noise (for the quite time between snacks), and an ear splitting siren that automatically activates if anyone comes within 20 feet of the chair with a “To Do” list.

I start to get a little teary eyed just thinking about it.

Now, though my brilliance is manifest, I would like to hear some suggestions for new Bluetooth applications from you, our equally brilliant reader.

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